It was over now and I was done

Walk slowly. Walking quickly implies you want to be
somewhere (and unhappy with your current status).
Walking slowly says you are headed somewhere, but
content and enjoying the walk itself. Tonight I walked
quickly in the dark in order to make it to the store
before it closed. Maybe I should have walked slowly
tonight.

I did want to call Mark at eleven though. I told him I
would. I had tried to e-mail him, but the content was
too personal.

The soundtrack to my short trip was Damien Jurado’s
‘Rehearsals for Departure’ playing through my
headphones. I rehearsed my words for the phone
conversation as I went. Five minutes before eleven I
crossed the street onto the Albertsons parking lot. I
was still to the side of the building. No streetlights
were on, but a pair of headlights from the other side
of the parking lot lit my path. I continued across the
lot without paying attention to them until I heard
their tires skid a few yards away from me.  An arm
holding a handgun emerged from the window. It was
pointed towards me.

I don’t remember much from a few minutes after that.
When I came to I understood what had happened. I was
content. It was all over now. I was done.

From where my body rested I could slightly see the
front entrance of the store. The lights lit the faces
and backs of occasional customers as they entered and
exited in the late hours of the night. Watching them
felt like learning something new that made perfect
sense. I did so for a while. I hate to say this after
it has become so clichéd, but time became irrelevant,
although I don’t think I watched them too long. 

To my surprise, Charles Ek became one of those glowing
bodies exiting from the store. I thought of trying to
get his attention, but then laughed at the thought.
Charles has been, or rather, had been my friend for
the last five years. I fell in love with his sister
last night. 

Charles placed his groceries in the back of his van. I
realized I could hear nothing when I saw him close his
door without a sound. I listened to the first silence
I had ever heard.

The silence distracted me from seeing the Albertsons
worker placing the trash in the dumpster near me. As
he turned to return inside he saw me lying on the
ground and asked me if I was okay. He waited. His lips
moved again and he waited. He leaned down towards me
and he touched me cautiously. I realized I had lost
all feeling along with my hearing. I guess I expected
to lose my feeling more than hearing though.

I don’t know why, but finally I started thinking of
the consequences of what had happened. The guy huddled
over me in the dark probably saw the bullet wound. I
think that’s what startled him. He ran inside. I am
sure that Mark assumed I went to bed early tonight. It
has to be well past eleven by now I thought. I told
him I might not call him if I was too tired. He’ll
probably find out tomorrow. And he’ll get my journals.
We willed them to each other. I’m excited to find out
what he thinks when he reads my honesty.

But what about Amy- the girl I fell in love with last
night. I know it will be hard on her to lose me. I
don’t think she was in love with me, but I know she
loves me. I’m content with that situation. I’m sure
she’ll be okay. I hope Mark reads to her my journal
entry from today. My last journal entry.

The police and an ambulance showed up. I ignored them.
I thought of how people would react. Maybe tonight was
the best time for this to happen. If I had kept on
living I would have failed to keep in contact with my
dad. At this point he’ll just be able to blame my lack
of contact on the chaos of all that has been changing.
If I had remained alive I wouldn’t have mailed Sarah’s
letter that I promised so many months ago. I hope
someone finds my day planner in my back pocket where I
have a note under today to send it off. Someone will
call her and tell her that I would have done it if I
had made it back home and that I must have been
thinking about her. It will reconcile all I have
failed to do. And the same with Janet. I hope someone
tells her that her name too was written in my book
under today. 

My friendship with Amy was the most pure and ideal I
had with a woman. Not only were we completely honest
and comfortable with each other, we also had been able
to go on as long as we had without falling in love.
Oh, but last night I fell. I do not regret it, but
maybe I would have if I had not died. At least at this
moment I can leave it as just a romantic thought. “The
one- the right one- the boy loved for a day.” I don’t
know if she would have been the right one. I don’t
know if she would have ever fallen in love with me,
but this is the first one that has ever felt right. I
don’t know if she would have ever fallen in love with
me, and so maybe it’s better that I leave her tonight.